Happy Monday, friends!
I want to kick off this week like a lion rather than a lamb.
This is a hard topic to discuss, especially in the church setting, but it’s necessary.
In recent years, there has been an uptick in news stories from large churches where the lead pastors (some who are nationally and internationally recognized) have been accused of spiritual abuse.
So, this pondering today is going to be a bit heavy.
It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to just, like, go for a long walk on the beach and stare at the waves. It makes me angry when I read stories like these, but more importantly, I have experienced leaders who used organized religion to expand their own kingdom, to establish monuments in their own names and called it “the will of God”.
I think it’s a crucial topic and we NEED to talk about it.
We can’t ignore this issue. It has happened in our past, and it is still happening in our present church culture.
Let’s call an Ace an Ace, shall we? Let’s not beat around the bush.
Here goes:
Spiritual abuse. And, yeah, sometimes, toxic leaders in the church.
Look, the church, in its best moments, is supposed to be this incredible space, right? A place of love, grace, community, transformation. A place where you can ask the big questions, wrestle with doubt, find some kind of… peace. But sometimes, it gets twisted. Sometimes, it gets… messed up.
You see, power, it’s a tricky thing. And when power gets mixed with, you know, a sense of divine authority?
That’s where things can go sideways. Fast.
Some power-hungry leaders have abused others through an erroneous understanding of biblical submission and wield their leadership like a scepter while expecting their subordinates to kiss their ring.
Think about it. We’re all looking for something.
We’re all searching for meaning, for connection.
And when someone steps up, claims they’ve got the inside track to God, that they know the secret sauce, well, it’s tempting, isn’t it? To just… hand over the keys. To let them drive.
And that’s where the trouble starts.
What does it look like?
- Control: It’s not about guidance, it’s about domination. They dictate your thoughts, your actions, your relationships. They tell you what to wear, who to talk to, how to spend your time.
- Manipulation: They use guilt, shame, and fear to keep you in line. They twist scripture, they play on your insecurities, and they make you feel like you’re never good enough. Much of it becomes performance-based measures that no one can always live up to.
- Isolation: They cut you off from your support system. They tell you that anyone who disagrees with them is “of the world,” that they’re trying to lead you astray. (Insight Digital Magazine, 2024)
- Spiritual Blackmail: They imply that if you leave, you’ll lose God’s favor. Or worse. That you’ll be damned.
- Narcissism: It’s all about them. Their needs, their ego, their vision. They demand constant praise and adoration. They can’t admit they’re wrong.
It’s subtle, you know? It doesn’t always look like fire and brimstone.
Sometimes, it’s just a whisper, a sideways glance, a subtle put-down.
It’s the constant feeling that you’re walking on eggshells.
So, what do we do? How do we break free?
Here are 7 suggestions to help you find freedom if you find yourself stuck in Spiritual Abuse of one kind or another:
1) trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. If you’re constantly feeling anxious, manipulated, or controlled, that’s a red flag.
2) find your voice. Start asking questions. Challenge the status quo. Don’t be afraid to disagree. Remember, doubt isn’t the opposite of faith; it’s often a part of it.
3) build a support network. Find people you can trust, people who will listen without judgment. Talk to a therapist, a counselor, or a trusted friend. You are not alone.
4) reclaim your autonomy. Remember, you are a person with your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. You are not defined by someone else’s interpretation of God.
5) redefine your understanding of God. Let go of the toxic image of a wrathful, judgmental God. Embrace a God of love, grace, and compassion. A God who wants you to thrive, not to be controlled.
6) forgive, but don’t forget. Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It’s about releasing the pain and moving forward. But that doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened. Learn from it, and use that knowledge to protect yourself and others.
7) find a healthy community. There are churches and communities out there where you can be yourself, where you can ask questions, where you can find genuine connection. It might take some searching, but they’re out there.
Look, this stuff, it’s not easy. It takes courage, it takes vulnerability. But you are strong. You are resilient. And you are worthy of love, acceptance, and freedom.
Perhaps this whole experience can be a catalyst for something new.
A deeper understanding of yourself, of your faith, of the world around you.
Perhaps you can find a more authentic, more beautiful way to connect with the divine.
We can decode this toxic church culture together and live a life worthy of this calling as Christ-followers!
Something more to ponder.
Grace & Peace.
-Pastor Scott.
Pastor's Ponderings 