10 Funny Song Titles In The Salvation Army Song Book

*Warning: If you don’t like humor and or are easily offended by humor, please turn away now.*

I believe we can laugh with each other…right?
Laughter is a great remedy for a lot of issues in our lives.
The other day I was going through our new song book and I realized that there were some funny song titles that I had either never heard before or I was in the band and had never sung them. Perhaps as you read these you have others that you would like to share, because I know there are more. I also realize some of these song titles come from bygone days where the language was different and so was the culture, but it doesn’t stop me from having a laugh today as we explore 10 funny titles in The Salvation Army Song Book…

Please forgive me and indulge my warped sense of humor for a moment or two.

#10 “My Heart Is Fixed” (#507)

Here’s a band-aid, and now the heart has been repaired. All is now better, you may go about your business, we’re good here! This declaration seems kind of sudden that’s all.

#9 “Come, my soul, Thy Suit Prepare” (#745)

I see a tailor standing there with measuring tape ready to get that suit all sewn and ready. We know there is a spiritual implication here, but my mind has this image of something entirely different when one says “Suit Prepare”…

#8 “O Jesus Thou Art Standing” (#614)

I can see British comedian Ricky Gervais, in his dry, dead pan sense of humor saying, “If Jesus is just standin’ there, why don’t you offer him a seat? I mean, that’s just rude isn’t it?” What is the song writer trying to say? “O Jesus you’re standing…” It just seem sort of funny sounding doesn’t it?

(yes, I know there’s more to the song lyrics, but we’re focusing on the titles here)

#7 “O Jesus Pilot Me” (#655)

Sorry, but this is what I envisioned this song title to mean –
Jesus ready to board that plane and fly us to another destination. I know it’s silly, but it’s what I first saw within that title. We know what the writer meant, but I just couldn’t help myself…sorry.

#6 “I Stand All Bewildered with wonder” (#849)
Just the word “bewilder” brought up a face like this in my mind. Like we stand there gawking, with mouths wide open and our eyes ready to pop out of our eye sockets. It just evokes in me a kind of silly moment when we’re standing there dumbfounded and truly looking the part.

#5 “I Want A Principle Within” (#496)

I know, I know, it’s not “Principal” but the first thing that popped into my head was a Headmaster standing there ready to deliver some punishment. Understandably we want to have spiritual discipline in our lives, but this isn’t it. Still this imagery came to mind.

#4 “Lord, I Was Blind! I Could Not See” (#505)

I can almost see Lockhorns (comic depicted here) having this barb exchange… “Lord, I was blind! I could not see” and then Mrs Lockhorn saying “And He still can’t see!”

Why do I get the image of a married couple making fun of one another in my mind? I saw this title and it made me laugh.

#3 “Unto Thee Will I Cry” (#794)

Sorry Dawson’s Creek, your meme is famous. And when I saw this song title, I couldn’t help but have an image of James Van Der Beek shamelessly crying. I can just see us standing there shamelessly crying like this in some way and wonder if it would look like this…
#2 “Writes A Pardon On My Heart” (#493)

I know these songs aren’t to be taken literally, but I couldn’t help myself. I get the picture in my head of my heart and someone is holding it with an ink pen preparing to write the words Pardon right into my heart tissue.

Perhaps to an outsider without the understand of atonement theories, this song title might seem confusing and down right creepy. To me, it makes me chuckle a little bit.

#1 “Do Not Go Home Without Jesus” (#415)

I get this image of my heart of a soldier leaving a worship service, driving in their car only to look over in the passenger seat and exclaim, “Oh no, I’ve forgotten Jesus!”

I understand the imagery, it just seems to translate differently to me today. And then, that Maroon 5 group sang that one song about “I won’t go home without you…”

Moral of the story, don’t take these song titles literally like me.
Perhaps you have other song titles that you think are funny, ridiculous or strange, would you please share them with us?! This is all light hearted and I hope I haven’t offended anyone. All things considered, most of these songs have some wonderful lyrics, it’s just the song titles I couldn’t pass up to mention.

May 6, 2016 12

10 Church Signs The You Need To See…And Never Duplicate!

This pondering is certainly tongue in cheek.
I want to poke a little fun at my fellow Christians today.
Perhaps some of them didn’t know that their Church signs were a little questionable…perhaps some did.
I understand some churches like to grab our attention as we drive by their buildings, I get that…but sometimes you see a church sign and, if you’re anything like me, you shake your head and/or groan.

I see a lot of church signs, I’m sure you do as well.
Some are good. They get to the point of their message.
Some are just down right bad.

Here are 10 church signs that you need to see…and never duplicate. -I mean NEVER!

#10I understand that churches want faithful members, but guilt tripping people to come to church isn’t probably the best use of your signage space. It just comes across as negative, it might actually push people away from your church because they might assume your church is judgmental and fickle. Skip the negative, guilt tripping messages.

#9
Okay…I kind of like my churches pain-free! I don’t know about you but I’m really not into getting beaten at church. All kidding aside, I’m sure the person who put this sign up quickly realized how it sounded by actually reading it aloud…I hope. Like it or not Pastors, we shouldn’t love to hurt people.

#8
Ok, I get what this church is trying to say, I just think there might be a more tactful way of saying it. It seems a little presumptuous for this church to make this statement. I’m not saying that laziness and poverty can’t be related, I’m just saying – what if someone who has fallen onto hard times sees this sign? How would they feel about themselves? I just think a church who has to put this sign up to make a point is sort of sending a message to the community that they believe all of the poverty issues are because people are lazy…that is simply NOT true.

#7
I get this message too, but what about those who aren’t Christians yet? What kind of message does this convey to them? Also besides being a little tacky, it’s also a little crass. Perhaps this church was trying to be “edgy”, I just think this sort of message does not attract people and/or bring them into the church on Sunday, instead it drives them away.

#6
Two words: Run. Away! We don’t need the church to help us all to die thank you very much! Again, I understand the message that they were trying to convey – I’m really laughing, but at the same time I’m kind of cringing too.

#5
I’m sure we get it, It just seems a bit forced doesn’t it? The message seems to insinuate that none of us are busy doing what the Lord has called us to do…and it also assumes (albeit with a little humor involved) that by “acting” busy we’re going to fool Jesus. Ha! This message is so off base that I have a tough time reading it again. Maybe I’ll just walk by because I’m too busy acting busy…okay, I digress.

#4
Wow. There is SO much to say about this diatribe of a sign. So, let me get this straight, God is the reason for the Tsunami, AIDS, and War? I feel anything but “Welcomed” by this sign, in fact, I would run far, far away from this sort of message. I understand that God did punish people in the bible because of their disobedience and sin, but to assume that all acts of nature and disease are created by God to punish the world, I feel is a bit too much (I’m being a little too subtle at my distaste for this sign)

#3

“So that’s the reason we have to forgive?! I was forgiving people for all the wrong reasons for all this time, when I should have been focusing on messing with their heads…how dumb of me!” If we forgive, it is to help ourselves as well as the other person. I won’t get started on the phrase “forgive and forget” today, that’s a whole other topic, but obviously the message is about forgiveness. I get the sarcasm here, I also have the spiritual gift of sarcasm, it just seems to be the wrong place to put a sarcastic message (at least to me).

I’m sorry Dr. Parker, but we’re not related. HA! Again, it’s all about the sign and the placement of the words. I found this sign to be rather funny. Perhaps this is the Sunday’s message, I get that…but if you’re like me, you might have read this message a little differently too. Nope, no DNA test required this Sunday!

#1
Whaaaa????
I’m sorry but to me this flies in the face scripture;
“Do not quench the Spirit. ²⁰Do not despise prophecies. ²¹Test all things; hold fast what is good. ²²Abstain from every form of evil.” (1 Thessalonians 5:20-22)

Yes, this relationship that we have with Christ requires faith, but it also requires us to sort out the wise and foolish teachings that are all around us. Sometimes I think churches use this type of propaganda in coined phrases so that members will be completely dependent on the church as their main source of theological understanding. We should be free thinkers in the sense that we question things, we search out truths and we confront falsehoods and erroneous beliefs. We can’t just blindly accept things of “faith” at face value!

I have left out a number of signs, some of them were beyond provocative; Some were offensive, some were just flat out silly. These are just ten signs you should see and never duplicate. I would be curious to know others that you have seen. Either post them here on this pondering thread or share a picture of a church sign that you have found.

Something more to ponder today.

September 23, 2015 0

Coffee Reviews – My Top 10 Favorite Coffees

I am a pastor and generally, by and large, pastors drink coffee…Well this guys does anyway. I am an avid coffee drinker.
To most of you who follow this blog, this little tidbit of information probably comes as no surprise. People have been sending me pictures of coffee on facebook, funny memes and so on for a long time now…I love it! I have had some wonderful friends who have sent me samples of coffees and I would like to review a few of my favorite coffees thus far. I am by no means a coffee snob…okay maybe a little bit. Please don’t ever and I mean EVER serve me this:

Because THIS in my opinion
is NOT coffee.

This list is my opinion, please don’t be insulted or offended if I happen to place one coffee over another…it’s just my personal preference. Let me also put it out there, if you happen to have additional recommendations for unique or fantastic coffees that are not on this list please comment below…and I will never turn down a sample of two.

Scott’s current TOP TEN Coffees:

10. Dunkin Doughnuts

http://www.dunkindonuts.com/content/dunkindonuts/en/coffee.html
I have to admit (and please don’t call me a hater) but this coffee takes some getting used to for me. It’s a little too bitter for me, but it is palatable even enjoy able from time to time when I’m indulging in a doughnut or three. Although having said that it is, in my opinion, just a step above McDonald’s coffee.

09. Gevalia House Blend

http://www.gevalia.com/
The Gevalia house blend is a smooth coffee to drink and is truly an enjoyable store bought brand coffee. It comes in the traditional yellow packaging and is finely ground for a smooth finish. I recommend this coffee for everyday use if you like something with a smooth finish.

08. Tim Hortons

http://www.timhortons.com/us/en/index.php
I enjoy their bold flavor and again something to wash down a breakfast sandwich or a doughnut served with chilli (seriously it’s on the menu like that in Canada). It’s a good solid coffee that I haven’t had the pleasure of drinking in a long time…I might have to remedy that very soon.

07. Seattle’s Best

http://www.seattlesbest.com/
Seattle is know for their coffees. That being said those living in the Washington State area might scoff and say “which ‘best’ do you mean?” For the rest of us who don’t live in Seattle, we can enjoy Seattle’s best coffee that has a sophisticated rich taste and isn’t too bitter an aftertaste. I like this blend a lot!

06. Biggby Coffee

http://www.biggby.com/
Michiganer’s have enjoyed Biggby coffee since 1995. They have good beans, and better bold coffees…they are a little pricey for my taste, but a good cup of java to buy when I’m back in Michigan. A solid recommend!

05. Starbucks Blonde Roast

http://www.starbucks.com/coffee
(coincidentally, Starbucks contacted me via my blog and asked me to add their online coupon link, so here it is: Starbucks Coupons)
My wife, following gall bladder surgery was placed on a strict diet which included low acid coffee. The Starbucks “blonde” roast is a perfect low acid coffee that still maintains a strong flavor and little to no bitter aftertaste.

04. Caribou – French Roast

https://www.cariboucoffee.com/
I enjoy a good french press cup now and then. When I do press my coffee I like to purchase quality french roast coffees. This is one of my favorites but I have to use it in moderation because of the potent flavor. Caribou is a Minnesota coffee company headquartered in Brooklyn Center MN. I am thankful that places like Target have carried them nationwide and their coffees are readily available! Since my college days in Minnesota I have been an avid Caribou coffee drinker! I also look forward to their Christmas blends when they become available later in the fall.

03. Cup of the Day – Sault Ste. Marie MI.
http://cupoftheday.com/
In my travels I have sampled some good coffees and some not so good coffees. I had the privilege of drinking Cup of the Day’s coffee for almost five years while living in Sault Ste. Marie Michigan. I can tell you that its owner and operator Tony is a coffee connoisseur who cares about quality more than filling stomachs with average over the counter coffees! If you ever get the change to stop in Sault Ste. Marie, be sure to sample some of Tony’s coffees…by the way I would recommend going there during the lunch hour because everything he serves at meals are equally delicious!

02. Bitter end coffeehouse coffee – Grand Rapids MI.

http://thebitterendcoffeehouse.com/
I was privileged to sample some of the Bitter end Coffee House coffees recently and I have to say “wow“! These beans are solid! The owner and operator is also one of those quality of quantity kind of connoisseur of coffees. They roast their own coffees there at the coffee house and produce some amazing flavored coffee! If you get the chance to stop in and sample their coffees be sure to say hello to John Sprite (the owner)! I recommend buying some of their coffee beans to take home as well! You won’t be sorry you did!

01. Church and State Sumatra Blend

http://churchandstatecoffee.com/
One of my friends sent me a sampling of their coffees this past Christmas and I was blown away at the flavor! The deep auburn colors coupled with the pungent flavorful aromas make this coffee worth ordering online! I not only french pressed this coffee but used a standard coffee maker…both worked out great and were fantastic to drink! I will definitely be ordering some more of this coffee in the near future!

These are just my current top ten coffees. I would love to hear about your favorites and how they compare to mine.
One coffee in particular that I am dying to try but also happens to be one of the rarest coffees to buy is St. Helena Island coffee: http://www.coffeeandtealtd.com/sthelena.html They only produce a small amount of coffee beans a year and it’s only $89 per pound to purchase…I spent four years of my childhood on this little remote island in the south Atlantic ocean. It’s so remote that Napolean couldn’t escape it and eventually died there. I want to try a cup of St. Helena once more!

At any rate…these are my top ten so far. Please send me feedback and comments below! I appreciate your take on things!

Disclaimer: no coffee companies or proprietors of coffee were injured in the making of this review…although I sure drank my fill. I was not paid to advertise these products although I think I would look rather dashing in a commercial…just sayin’. At any rate these thoughts and opinions are mine and mine alone and I reserve the right to disagree with any and all Sanka drinkers out there. Enough said.

August 19, 2014 6

My Tribute to Moms

We shouldn’t need a “special” day to thank Mom. Every day should be a “special” day. Moms have a way of knowing just when to call or tell you something that no one else has the guts to say to you. Moms have been with us through the good, the bad, and the ugly (sometimes there has been a lot of “ugly”).

Moms Get it

It is more than just Mother’s “intuition”, Moms seem to have a supernatural/extra-sensory connection with their children. I’m not some sort of crackpot here, it’s just that I’ve seen it in person and I know there is more to a Mother-child connection than meets the eye. Moms know what to say and sometimes more importantly what not to say but just to provide a hug or an expression of compassion, love and support.

Don’t Mess with Mama

As a kid I remember saying something I shouldn’t have. My mouth ran briskly while my brain was too slow to catch it. What happened next is still vivid in my mind. I nearly lost my nose, because the words I had said were directed at my mother. They were bad words. Words I should never have said. Hurtful, razor sharp daggers of lingo…and I was wrong. My mother slapped me on my face and I thought my nose was going to fly off. I deserved it – lesson learned.

But watch out world…

If you ever mess with Mama’s kids…you’re going to get a smack down like no other. Some say World War 3 will be caused by Superpowers and nuclear war. I beg to differ. If you mess with Mama’s kids, you might as well hang a sign around your neck that reads “I caused World War 3.”

Not only does Mom know what to say to help her kids and how to correct her kids, but she will defend her kids at all cost. You deserve to be warned should you pick a fight with her children…you might just have taken your life in your own hands.

To My Mom –

I love you and I am so proud of you! You have helped me through a lot of things. You have always been there (I know I’m lucky, some never had it as good as we did growing up). You sacrificed a lot for us kids. There were times that I know you and Dad went without things just to make sure Sherry and I didn’t. I can never repay that kind of love except to replicate that example in how I love my children and in how I love you.

As we all grow older I am learning how to cherish and treasure you as my Mother. I am so thankful to God for providing you to my life. The decisions I have made in this life were because I had the instruction of two godly people growing up – Mom and Dad. This is worth so much more than earthly treasures and riches. This, as I am slowly beginning to realize more and more, is what life is all about.

To my Wife – Shanais Strissel

My Mom and Shanais on our Wedding Day (September 12th, 1998)

I am the luckiest man alive! I married my best friend and life long companion. She is an amazing Mom, and she personifies Christ to our children! I consider myself blessed because She said “Yes” almost 16 years ago when I proposed. Since then, through the good, the bad and the ugly, She has been a rock and a light to me and these four crazy blessings we call kids. Wow…I still can’t find the words to express how much I love her and what she means to me. That being said, I plan on spending the rest of my life trying to collect those verbs, adjectives and everything in between to try and bring to light how important and loved she is to me.

For You, the Reader –

Hug your Moms. Cherish who they are. Life, this temporal thing, is short. Take time to appreciate all that your mother has taught you. Make sure you take the time to tell her how much she has done to shape you as a person.

Don’t lose any opportunity to appreciate your Mom. She deserves your respect and love…so show it.

-Just something more to ponder on this Mother’s day weekend.

May 10, 2014 0

“Grabbing the Goat by the Horns” – A Parable of Trixie

Meet Trixie, he’s a goat. We met Trixie recently while checking out other barn animals. Our attention at first had been drawn to the little brown ponie who was overly friendly. The pony stuck his head over the fence and practically demanded to be petted and fed. Our children loved the warm greeting! Further down the oblong barn movement caught our eyes, then a goat stuck its head through the wooden gate of its pen.

We met Trixie because Trixie wanted to eat. I am convinced the goat craved attention and food. He wanted our attention, the attention the overly friendly pony was getting. So Trixie stuck his head out…and got stuck. That’s right, Trixie maneuvered his head (horns and all) through the slotted wooden gate. He managed to get his horns through but once through he was truly stuck.

We discovered Trixie’s predicament when we happened to walk around the outside of the open barn to get a better look at the other animals.

Sure enough, with the smell of barn animals and the sounds as well, Trixie was not going anywhere.

The red feeding bucket he had stepped onto in order to get into the predicament had shifted and his horns were now extended through the bars.

Trixie began to panic. He was stuck and he could not untangle himself…he was powerless.

So what were we to do?
Leave him be until the caretakers found him like this? -or-
Help free him from his Bovade wooden stockade?

We couldn’t leave him there, trapped as he was. Trixie needed help. He need someone from the “outside” to come inside the goat pen and free him. Naturally it was his fault, but he was clueless and helpless to save himself…he was dead-mutton (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

We worked and worked. The screws which held the wooden slats in place were in deep and would not surrender their place without a fight. At first the screws would not budge…then after some prying and pulling the wooden goat-prison began to loosen. The whole time we worked and pulled, Trixie was frightened and extremely nervous. I can only imagine what goes on in the mind of a goat when it seems their “time has come”. Trixie nibbled on my Father’s hoodie a bit, occasionally being scolded for doing so.

Finally, and with a lot of strength and maneuvering Trixie was freed. His horns and head no longer locked inside a self-made prison.

If Trixie was happy about being we free, he didn’t really show it. But perhaps there was some gratitude as we fed him some fresh straw and reassured him everything was alright.

Perhaps…just perhaps Trixie will remember this day and refrain from getting stuck again…I’m not too hopeful though.

Are We stuck in self-made prisons?

Like Trixie, we as people often find ourselves stuck. We make dumb choices, we wedge ourselves into situations and suddenly we are locked in – horns and all with no means of escape. Have you been there? Are you there right now? These decisions could include sin issues, but it’s not exclusively just about sin.

If they are sin issues then find your freedom today by confessing your sins and accepting Jesus’ forgiveness and His salvation! “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” -Romans 3:23 We are all guilty and need saving…we are all in need of being freed from our stockade of sin. For some of us, we are already free yet feel tempted at times to find our way into prison again. Beware of these trappings of the allure…sticking your neck out and buying into sins allure can be deadly!

If you’re stuck for other decisions that you’ve made, consider this: God isn’t a distant God. He hears us, and wants us to live a life worthy of our callings. He can help you become “unstuck” if you will allow Him access into your lives and let Him guide you through the maze of life! Maybe it’s time to grab the goat by the horns…

-Something to ponder today…all from a goat named Trixie.

May 9, 2014 0

Faith – A Rules Changer

My daughter is five years old, and already she is very clever. If you ever cross her, I don’t envy your position because she is the most cunning strategist that I know at the age of five.

It all began with a game. Actually it started when she wanted something that her twin brother had, and she was determined to have it and get it her way. So she played a game with him. It was a kicking game, and she made up the rules right then and there. In a very commanding voice she told her brother, “If I kick you I win, and if you kick me I win and I will win the mask“. -the mask was what she wanted from her brother. She had devised a game with rules in place in which the outcomes would benefit her either way. At no point in this game would her twin brother, who is taller and quicker than she is, have an edge or even a chance to win.

My daughter’s cleverness made me laugh. In part I was proud of her for being quick on her feet, yet surprised at the lengths at which she would go just to obtain what she wanted most. She had devised a strategy in which she could outsmart her brother even though she knew that she was no match for his physicality.

Sometimes life is kind of like that isn’t it? We are greatly outmatched and the thing(s) that we want so badly are just beyond our reach. We want our families to be closer, our health or the health of loved ones/friends to be better, our financial situation more profitable, our jobs more enjoyable, love and respect that goes unfulfilled. Life can sometimes be like that cruel master which dangles a carrot in from of a donkey just to get it to work and be productive. We want so desperately to change the rules, to make a life more to our advantage…to win. But what do we really desire to win? Will we truly be happy? Can we really change the rules in life?

How does faith play into this thing called life? Is faith important? The simple answer is YES, absolutely! Despite how much we might plan for every contingency and strategize for every positive outcome, life doesn’t play according to our rules. Life can sometimes be unpredictable and we can find ourselves grossly out of winning options. But faith isn’t some wild card or last resort. The key is the source behind our faith. If our source is simply our own powers and motivations we will eventually face disappointment and discouragement. But if our source is God, in whom made all things and our faith takes us to the understanding that we are indeed loved and important to the Creator then regardless of what happens to us we can have this immeasurable unending faith.

Faith is a rules changer. Faith can propel us from self-sufficiency to something much more sustainable and everlasting…if we allow it to grow in us. Are you willing to let this kind of everlasting faith take root in you? Give it a try and perhaps you will begin to see life in a whole new perspective.

-Just a thought.

December 31, 2013 0

Santa is on Fire

I would be lying if I said

that Christmas isn’t busy.

There are meetings to attend

people to direct

and nights

far too vacant of slumber.

Yet when I do sleep,

I am reluctant to admit

that I have dreamt

that Santa is on fire.

I stand there

with arms crossed

satisfaction on my face

as Santa, jolly and red

is smoldering, and ablaze.

Tiny bits of plastic bubble and gurgle

the colors on his crimson suit bleed

and drip…and I with arms crossed

and smile on my face

step back and almost trip…

upon my can of gasoline.

Don’t think me strange

or even a Scrooge for it’s just

a dream that

I have dreamt

I haven’t actually torched Santa,

children there’s no need to cry…

but there are days

when I have considered,

with malicious intent,

what the jolly fat man would

look like all consumed

and a-glowing in a red ball of flame.

There would be no more

“Ho-ho-ho-ing” for that

Jolly man,

If simply just poured

out the contents

of my gasoline can…

then, I would throw my stocking

which is filled with

coal

happily upon the

Santa pyre.

December 21, 2013 0

More Musings on Misheard Christmas Songs:

Christmas is a spectacular time of year! There should be plenty of cheer to go around, yet all too often people get bent out of shape, stressed out and generally miss the whole meaning of Christmas. In order to lighten the mood, allow me once again to expound on some often misunderstood Christmas song lyrics. These are not my own, but rather from other people who have reported these along the years:

“Good King Wencelas’ car backed out on a piece of Steven.”
Who knew that Good King Wencelas even had an automobile! The song doesn’t say if he was drive a fuel efficient vehicle or if it was an SUV, but the dude needs to check his mirrors and check them twice. Poor Steven, I hope he had good medical insurance to cover the repairs on the “piece” that got run over! One thing I do know, that if this happened in our day and age Good king Wencelas would certainly be sued and probably would lose his crown in the process. Perhaps next time he will just have one of his loyal subjects drive him instead…that is if he has any loyal subjects left after the dust settles on the legal suit!

I kid you not, nothing irritates me more (in real life) than drivers who either aren’t paying attention or are simply inconsiderate to other people. I have to calm myself down when I see drivers who are holding their cell phones in front of them while they are attempting to drive. I will admit from time to time checking my status at a red light, but seriously while driving in heavy traffic around town (or anywhere for that matter) – not cool! Hopefully Good King Wencelas wasn’t on his cell phone poor Steven got run over.

We three kings of porridge and tar…

Seriously, does the Quaker Oatmeal company know about this porridge and the secret ingredient “tar”? I imagine the three kings running out of supplies on their long journey. It’s hot, the camels are crabby, and so they stop to park their camels, they whip out these pots and pans and a big box of porridge and tar. YUM! talk about a substance that literally sticks around. There beside the fire the acrid smell of burning pitch and oats pollute the air with its stench, but it’s apparently a meal fit for a king. 😉

Oh the joys of Christmas, and yule tide cheer…you have to enjoy while it lasts! Christmas can be really special if you slow down long enough to laugh a little bit and take in the true meaning of the season. Maybe watch some Christmas movies to help, go caroling with a church group, make some Christmas cookies (by the way send me some if you do!).

In closing I’m reminded of the misheard lyric from “Silent Night” in which the child boldly sings the last refrain:
“Sleep in heavenly peas…” See, perhaps Veggie Tales hasn’t cornered the market on french peas…there’s a heavenly place filled with peas to prove it.

Until next time….

December 12, 2013 0

“The Lord has gum and the Shepherds are making S’mores with their socks!”

My favorite misunderstood Christmas lyric for any carol or song this time of year is: “Joy to the world, the Lord has GUM!” That’s right Gum! I’m not sure if it’s Big Red or Spearmint or even Hubba Bubba…but apparently the Lord has gum. I don’t know about you but when ever someone is around and me they open up a new package of gum, I always ask for a piece. If the Lord has gum, then I want some!

Another humorous song that I use to sing as a child is: “While Shepherd wash their socks by night!” I always envisioned them huddling around an open fire, the smell of burning wood in the air slowly ascending into the sky and instead of making s’mores they have these giant sticks with already washed socks strapped to them and they are attempting to dry them without burning them. Steam is hissing and and also quickly giving chase to the smell of the burning wood as the shepherds regale themselves of shepherding stories and emergency rescues gone wrong (insert scary campfire stories here).

You know, you just have to possess a little bit of humor this time of year. Especially when in traffic or in front of impatient Christmas shoppers intent of running you over! I hope that we don’t lose our humor in the midst of our celebratory second glass of eggnog and a guilt-ridden nibble of another frosted Christmas sugar cookie.

Go wash some socks with the Shepherds, and don’t forget to ask the Lord for a piece of His gum!

December 11, 2013 0

Dear Boot Girl (A frivolous poem)

Dear boot girl
I see that you’ve joined another group I’m in
Are you stalking me with your peddling ware?
Do you actually sell this crap you post?
Your pictures are phony
A front for the stuff
Are you some helpless girl in Thailand…
Or are some big burly Russian dude

all decked out in your wife beaters,

swigging vodka from a dirty bottle
And hoping to con another naive Facebook member?
Oh dear Boot girl, you’ve done it again
You were added as a friend and then
Your “awesome deals” appear for all to
Bemoan and groan over…
So, sorry but you’ve been blocked and banned…
Once more,
But I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around
On some other page or group or post.

Sincerely,

Everyone.

November 20, 2013 0

Category: Humor